Paradise Lost
by Anniah
Summary: An interpretation of the events between 1980-1981, involving the First Order of the Phoenix and its members, when many members were brutally murdered by the Dark Lord and his followers. From the point of view of Marlene McKinnon, who was killed along with her family in July 1981, and showing the shifting suspicions within the Order as they begin to realise a mole lurks among them.


**Paradise Lost**

_"Farewell happy fields  
>Where Joy for ever dwells: hail horrors, hail<br>Infernal world"_

- Paradise Lost (1.249-51)

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><p>It is said that before you die your whole life flashes before your eyes . . .<p>

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><p><em>January 1980<em>

It had been Dorcas Meadowes' turn to cook. The Prewetts had helped her, the three of them spending the whole day chopping vegetables and preparing meat, sweating away in the steamy, sizzling kitchen. Marlene McKinnon dumped her muddy boots by the front door, following the delicious aroma of baked onions and rosemary spiced lamb into the vast, red-bricked kitchen.

The Headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix had been picked out by Albus Dumbledore himself: an old muggle factory, situated in the middle of nowhere, which from the outside appeared to be a sprawling mass of ivy smothered brick walls and cracked and gaping window panes. Every time Marlene approached it, she was reminded of an old giant, thicketed in a wiry beard and grinning with chipped and missing teeth, blackened from age. But despite that, when she trudged along the weedy gravel pathway, her footsteps crunching, and looked up at the building, the first thought that would occur to her would be: _home._

Of course, the exterior of the Headquarters was a clever ruse. Where crumbling floors and exposed, rusty pipes should have been, the inside had in fact been converted into an efficient barracks, with enough room and amenities to provide for the nearing twenty-five members of the Order, plus any family members or asylum seekers that should come their way. The top floor had been built into a simple two room plan, consisting of a vast attic space housing rows of beds and clothes trunks, with giant arched windows facing out to the East to wake its inhabitants with the rising of the sun. Beyond the Sleeping Quarters was a neat office; the official meeting room, where the Order would assemble to receive instructions and relay information.

The bottom floor was a lot more complicated: a maze of bathrooms, closets, libraries, recreation rooms and training facilities, with the central point being a large kitchen at the far end, built to provide for the growing number of Order members. It was here that member's ate their meals together, along a long narrow table that reminded them all of their respective House tables in the Great Hall at Hogwarts.

It was at this table that Marlene now dumped herself, next to Sirius Black, James Potter and Emmeline Vance, who were all watching Dorcas and the Prewetts struggle on with fascination.

"Did you just get off?" James asked, nudging his glasses up his nose. Marlene nodded, rolling her shoulders and pouring herself a glass of water from a nearby jug.

"Simple recon down Knockturn Alley," she muttered.

"Anything to report?" Emmeline piped up, ignoring the juggling display Gideon was putting on using a handful of potatoes and carrots.

"Nothing. It's all quiet. A little too quiet really. I partnered up with Bonesy and he said he's never walked through Knockturn without seeing at _least_ one major infraction of Wizarding Law. There was barely a Wizard on the street today."

"Is it worth reporting to Albus?"

"What can I say? 'Sorry to bother you, Albus, but I just thought I'd let you know Knockturn _isn't_ crawling with scumbags for once'." Marlene shook her head, her long blonde hair cascading down her shoulders. "He's got enough to worry about without me interrupting every five minutes to tell him we have a problem because there's _no _suspicious activity."

"Where is old Bonesy anyway?" Fabian interrupted, catching an onion that his brother had just lobbed at his head. "Doesn't he know it's Sunday dinner. He _has _to be here for Sunday dinner. It's the _law_." Dumbledore had established a tradition that every Sunday all the members should eat together, to promote unity and friendship within the Order. _"We are a team," _he had said when questioned. _"Not only that, but we are a family. We are responsible for the safety and survival, not only of innocents, but of each other too, and this requires complete trust and friendship with one another. I think then, it is not too much to ask that we should eat together occasionally."_

"Didn't you hear? Edgar's Sister-In-Law went into labour this morning. I think it's a girl. He's gone to see his new niece but he'll be back for dinner I expect. I think he's even bringing Lila and the kids."

"It'll be nice for Eddy and Maizy to have a cousin to play with," Dorcas commented from across the room, stirring her sauce feverishly. "Damn it! It's gone lumpy _again_," she moaned. "Why did it have to be _my_ turn to cook?"

"We'd all better watch out. You-Know-Who is going to have no competition if Meadowes lands us all with food poisoning," Sirius joked. He hadn't greeted Marlene when she'd entered the room or even looked at her, but now he turned to give her one of his charming, white-toothed grins. Marlene suddenly felt ten times more alive than she had been a minute before and laughed, despite Dorcas scowling at them both beneath her frizzy mop of silver blonde hair.

"At least I _can _cook, Padfoot," their friend scolded, waving her wooden spoon threateningly. "Last time it was your turn you served us all beans on toast. _And _the toast was burned. Some Sunday dinner _that_ was!"

There was a roar of laughter from behind them as Elphias Doge, Dedalus Diggle and Caradoc Dearborn all entered the kitchen, throwing down cloaks and gloves and shaking their hands to warm them, although Elphias was still refusing to remove his ridiculous hat that he'd taken to wearing non-stop since a Death Eater singed his shaggy crown of hair off.

"Don't remind me of Sirius' cooking," Caradoc thundered, wrinkling his broad face. "Bloody awful that was. How do you get beans to taste like gone-off cheese anyway, Black?" Sirius shrugged his shoulders and grinned cheekily.

"I like to mix it up in the kitchen . . . Who's guarding the Derrwight's now?" The Derrywight's were a muggle-born couple and their three young children, who had recently been sent a series of explicit threats suspected to be from Death Eaters. Dumbledore had ordered three Member's to be guarding their house at all times, a job no one was keen to take as it involved standing outside in the middle of a freezing cold winter for several hours.

"Benjy and Sturgis pulled the draw, poor buggers," Dedalus said, popping open a bottle of butterbeer. "Peter drew too, but you know 'im. Started complainin' of a cough. Said 'e couldn' possibly stand out all night in the cold, so good ol' Moody gave 'im a clip round the ear and said 'e'd take 'is watch."

"I'll make sure to put aside some dinner for the boys then, so they have a nice hot meal to come back to," Dorcas added, swatting Caradoc away as he attempted to steal a sausage from the sizzling pan on the stove.

"Do you reckon Albus will make it tonight?" Marlene asked.

"I doubt it. He and Minerva are busy up at the school. Though I think Aberforth and Hagrid are coming," James added, raising his voice above the many members chatting together as they all took seats round the table.

"I hope Abe brings that bottle of firewhisky he's been hiding in the Hog's cellar. I've been on at him since Christmas to give us a sip," Elphius muttered.

"Where's Lily?" Marlene hadn't seen her good friend since yesterday, when the red-head had been complaining of feeling sick.

"She's with the Longbottoms. Her and Alice have been holed up together all day, discussing something _important_," James said, with an eye roll, indicating that the pair had done nothing but gossip the entire day. "Anyway, Lily's still been feeling sick. She threw up this morning and I convinced her to go to Mungo's to get it checked out. It's probably nothing but we can't take any chances with You-Know-Who out to get us at every turn. Frank and Alice said they'd take her. I would have gone myself but I had to go with Remus to the Ministry to check for officials under the influence of an _Imperious_. I swear it's that damned Lucious Malfoy making trouble again."

"You don't think Lily's been poisoned, do you?" Emmeline said, frowning. "Only Alice said she wasn't feeling well either. Maybe the Death Eaters got to them an-"

"I wouldn't worry, Em," Marlene interrupted. "The Healers at Mungo's will sort it." What Marlene didn't admit was that she knew the _exact_ reason why both women had gone to St. Mungo's, only she had been sworn to secrecy. Still, with James sat right next to her, Marlene felt a little guilty for letting him worry unnecessarily.

Suddenly the kitchen door burst open and a wiry man scuttled towards the fireplace, followed closely by Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

"Stop him!" Remus yelled, trying to grab the man's ankle.

"I di'n' do nuffin'," the man complained as Fabian scooped him up by his collar and Caradoc grabbed his arm. The two men escorted him to the table and sat him down heavily, a hand on each shoulder so there was no chance that Mundungus Fletcher could slip away.

"Merlin, Dung, you can't keep out of trouble for five minutes, can you?" Gideon teased, prying the bundle Mundungus was clutching to his chest from the scruffy man's fingers. "What did you take this time?"

"It's nuffin'! Weren' me! I swear on me Ma's life!"

"Your mother's been dead fifteen years, Dung," Elphias muttered.

"We caught him going through the store room again," Remus said, taking the bundle from Gideon and opening it up to reveal a small wooden box, circular in shape and tinged a sickly green colour. "This is a Poison Pyxis we found when we raided that suspected Death Eater's house last week."

"You damned fool, Dung," Dedalus roared. "Tha' stuff's off limits!"

"Do yer _know_ 'ow much it's worth on the market?" Mundungus asked, looking at them all as if they were crazy for _not_ wanting to sell it. "I can spli' the profi' wi' yer all, fair an' square. 'Cept fer the wolf. I won' give 'im a penny. Nor Wormy neither."

"What? So it can land in _another_ Death Eater's hands?" Sirius demanded. "I don't think so."

"You know, in the old days a man would lose his hand for thieving," Peter tittered, sidling closer and poking Mundungus in the ribs; something the rotund man would _never_ dare to do if the thief's hands weren't pinned to the table by Caradoc. "Chop-chop, Chop-chop," Peter snickered, making cutting motions with his hand. Mudungus hunched his shoulders under the withering glare of every person in the room, his stubbly face reddening.

"One day Albus will stop forgiving you, Mundungus. And then you won't be able to get away with your little stunts," James said, for once his normally jovial expression turned severe. For a few seconds there was a silence in the room, broken only by the sound of water boiling up over the pot and hissing into steam as it hit the stove. The thief opened and closed his mouth a few times before he could find the words.

"But – but you _need_ me. I find stuff out, don' I? I mean, I know wha's goin' on. Like wha' wiv the fing in the Hog's 'ead."

"The Hog's Head? What about the Hog's Head?" Dorcas demanded, ignoring the fact that the oven was smoking ominously. "That's Aberforth's area of expertise."

"Yeah and I banned him from the bar too, the smelly bugger. He fed my goats a batch of stolen Sneezewort. Had them sneezing every five minutes for a week!" Everyone turned to realise the room had been considerably filled, whilst their attention had been diverted, by the hulking frame of Rubeus Hagrid and the considerably slimmer figure of Aberforth Dumbledore. Hagrid raised a hand and muttered a ''ello' to his fellow Order members.

"I di'n' go in! I di'n' go in!" Mundungus yelped, becoming more and more panicked. "I 'eard it on the stree', di'n' I. It's goin' round. Word is somethin' big 'appened at the Hog's 'Ead last week."

"Is this something we should know about, Aberforth?" Caradoc asked, finally letting go of a relieved looking Mundungus. Aberforth made a tsk-ing sound, shaking his head.

"I don't rightly know what's going on myself," the greying man said, stroking his scruffy beard. "You know Albus. He'll only tell us the bare necessity. Thinks we can't handle the truth. All I know is this: he was giving an interview for a position at the School and asked me if he could use the room above the bar. Don't ask me why he didn't arrange it at the school. I was down in the bar, making sure the Hags didn't start heckling the regulars again, when this woman walks in. She looked almost as stupid as Elphias in that damn hat! Swaddled in scarves and beads, with these huge bloody glasses on. I just pointed her up the stairs. If I'd let her stand in the bar any longer she would have scared off my regulars.

"Anyway, about an hour later I notice this lad sneaking off up the stairs. I followed him up a few minutes later and found him listening at the door! Well, I'll have no one eavesdropping on _my_ brother, so I yanked him out the Hog's by the collar and told him not to bother coming back. I told Albus later when he came down and the man turned white as a sheet, especially when I told him what the lad had looked like. It turns out he's suspected of being a Death Eater, and that conversation he was listening in to wasn't something Albus wants any old Death Eater to know about. That's all I know anyhow."

"Which Death Eater? Perhaps we can put word out and see if we can bring the sneak in," Marlene asked.

"Tall lad, about your age, Marl. Fit the Death Eater image well enough: sickly pale, black greasy hair and a conk on him you wouldn't believe." Marlene glanced over and saw Remus, James, Peter and Sirius all exchange looks.

"That's Snivellus, for sure," James sighed, running a hand through his messy brown hair.

"The slimy, git. I was never surprised when he became a Death Eater," Sirius growled. "We should have dealt with him when we had the chance."

"Severus Snape?" Marlene asked, casting back to her years at Hogwarts to try and put a face to the name. Marlene had been in the year above the Marauders and had never paid much interest to the years below hers, especially those who weren't in Ravenclaw like herself.

"Well we can keep an eye out for him, but he's probably long gone by now, if he has _any_ sense," Emmeline pointed out.

It was at that moment that the kitchen door burst open once again and Lily came skipping in, her red hair flying in a glorious flash of copper.

"I bring news, everyone!" she smiled, before standing before James and taking his hands. "We're going to have to start recruiting new members because I am officially asking for maternity leave." There was a hushed silence in the room as everyone processed Lily's words before James gasped and embraced his wife, picking her up and spinning her about before suddenly stopping and setting her down as if she were made of porcelain with an embarrassed grin.

"Bagsie God-Father!" Sirius yelled as a raucous applause and congratulations burst out and everyone rushed to pat James on the back and give Lily a hug. Marlene stayed sitting, knowing Lily had enough people shaking her hand without Marlene adding to the crowd, but when everything had quietened a little, she felt Lily squeeze her hand and mutter a 'thanks for not telling' before James swept her up into a hug again.

The rest of the night turned into a blur of laughter, smiling faces and congratulations, especially when Frank and Alice walked in and added their news to Lily's. More applauses were made and jokes were cracked, including Sirius' 'forget fighting You-Know-Who, we should turn the Order into a baby factory'. When Edgar Bones entered with his wife and two children, announcing that his new niece was to be called Susan, the night was officially dedicated to celebration. Bottles of fine wine and aged liquor were brought out from their hiding places and the dinner was served and eaten with much gusto, although the lamb, forgotten during all the commotion, had been slightly singed. The time ticked away into the early hours, the bottles piled up on the table and Benjy Fenwick, Alastor Moody and Sturgis Podmore returned from guard duty to find their fellow members quite inebriated, although that didn't stop them from joining in.

Marlene eventually found herself sitting at the table with Sirius, Lily, James and a passed out Hagrid, who was snoring loudly. The room had slowly ebbed into silence as members had gradually filtered out to take up guard duty, go back to their families, or to roll into one of the beds upstairs.

"I'll wash up," she offered, looking at the piles of bottles, plates, dishes and cutlery scattering the table.

"I'll help," Lily offered, going to stand but Marlene shooed her away.

"No, no. From now on you have to take it easy," the blonde laughed, knowing Lily would do no such thing.

"Besides, shouldn't you and James be at home celebrating?" Sirius said with a wink and a casual nod towards the door. James and Lily could barely complain, leaving with hugs goodnight and embarrassed grins. Marlene dumped a handful of dishes in the sink, turning on the taps, Sirius joining her. Not for the first time, Marlene wished they were allowed to perform simple magic spells in the Headquarters, but Dumbledore had banned it, saying: _"We can't allow a build up of magical residue around the Headquarters with excessive spell usage. Nothing points more to a gathering of some of the strongest Witches and Wizards in Britain than an old, abandoned building in the middle of a Muggle countryside, pulsing with a large build up of residual magic. Our Headquarters would turn into a beacon for Death Eaters." _So magic usage was kept to the bare minimum, used only in emergencies or if unavoidable, which meant things like cleaning and cooking all had to be done by hand.

"You were quiet tonight," Sirius muttered, taking up a tea towel and drying the dishes Marelen handed to him. "Are you jealous you're not getting any attention?" he teased. She smiled at his attempt at banter.

"It's just . . . ," Marlene hesitated, trying to find the right words. "Do you ever get the feeling that everything is so perfect that it's just waiting to be ruined?" Sirius laughed, shaking his shaggy black hair.

"Why are you worrying?"

"I just – I don't want it to end. Everything is good for once. I'm . . . happy. I know what we're doing isn't the best job in the world, but we're all a family. It's – it's just too perfect. I'm scared it might get ruined." Sirius set down the bowl he had been wiping and placed a hand on her arm.

"Look at me, Marl," he said, coaxing her chin upwards so she would look him in the eyes. Marlene suddenly realised she had tears in her eyes and she didn't know why. "_Nothing_ is going to happen. We're all going to be here for you. _I'm_ always going to be here for you."

"But You-Know-Who . . . He might _find_ us. He might-"

"He can't hurt us. You don't have to be afraid." The warmth of the kitchen, the comforting glow of candlelight, the touch of Sirius' hand on her face, the knowledge that above her her friends were happily sleeping, _safe _from all the dangers out there, all made Marlene want to burst into tears of gratitude and laugh out loud at the same time.

"Sirius," she whispered, a tear slipping down her cheek. He smiled one of his charming smiles.

"Why don' yer kiss already," Hagrid croaked from behind, before the Half-Giant's forehead hit the table and he was snoring happily once again.

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><p><em>January 1981<em>

"I made stewed apples for dessert too."

"My favourite. Did you do that for me?"

"Might have done," Marlene grinned, as Sirius set his chin on her shoulder and looked ravenously at the sauce she was stirring. "I made cake too. It's Benjy's birthday tomorrow but I thought we could celebrate tonight. He gets off guard duty in an hour so he'll be just in time for dinner and I thought we could surprise him."

"It should be your turn to cook every Sunday," Sirius exclaimed, "if you're going to bake cake every time."

"You wish! Do you know if Lily and James are bringing little Harry? He's getting to be so _adorable_."

"I should think so. Though I don't know if the Longbottoms will make it. I heard Neville has a cold."

"The poor thing . . . Tell me, what's it like being a God-Father? Does the responsibility make you want to change your wicked ways?" Marlene joked. She felt Sirius' arms wrap around her waist.

"Do you really want me to change?" he whispered, kissing her neck. Marlene began to smile and turn to reciprocate when they both heard a loud bang and muffled voices, loud and frantic. They both looked at each other before grabbing their wands and sprinting out into the hallway.

Marlene noticed the blood first. Emmeline was splattered in it from head to toe, her black hair slicked down and matted by the scarlet liquid. Marlene didn't recognise the person Emmeline was trying desperately to hold up at first, until she distinguished the patches of blonde-grey hair that had escaped a soaking of blood as Alastor Moody's. Emmeline looked up at them, her face pale and hysterical, before she screamed "_Help us!" _and collapsed to the floor, Moody falling down on top of her.

For a second Marlene's brain failed to react, all thoughts shutting down as her eyes focused on nothing but the red, red blood that seemed to be everywhere, the sight filling her vision until she wanted to turn around and run; run until she never had to see the colour again.

She snapped out of it when Sirius rushed passed her and Caradoc called "_Dear Merlin!"_ as he emerged down the stairs to see what the commotion was about. It took both Sirius and Caradoc to haul Moody's limp body up, neither knowing quite what was going on.

"He's dying! He's dying!" Emmeline kept shrieking, curling up into a ball on the floor. Marlene ran to her, pulling her up and following the men into the kitchen. Without her noticing, more members had appeared, their attention caught by Emmeline's wailing and Caradoc's gruff shouts. Marlene knew they were all shouting questions and yelling orders but their voices seemed faint, like they were drifting to her from a long distance away.

"Jesus!"

"His eye!"

"Clear the table. We have to lie him down."

"Someone get Albus . . . _GET ALBUS, DAMN IT!"_

"_He's dying! He's dying!"_

"What happened?"

"We need to stop the bleeding! Get the emergency potions kit, now!"

"Oh God, what do we do?"

"Marlene! Marlene!" When she heard Sirius calling her name everything suddenly seemed to speed up. The kitchen materialised in front of her. At some point she had sat Emmeline down in a chair. The girl was rocking back and forth sobbing, her blood stained hands now covering her face. The floor was covered in smashed plates and cutlery where someone had swept them off the table to clear space, and now Moody lay prone upon the wooden surface, Caradoc and Remus bent over him with wands out. But as Marlene looked, she realised something was terribly wrong with the picture. Where Moody's leg should have been, there was only a ragged stump, leaking blood onto the table at an alarming rate.

"Marlene," Sirius repeated, shaking her arm urgently. She looked at him and could see the same panic she was feeling reflected in his face, like their whole world had just come crashing down. "Marlene, you need to check that Emmeline's not hurt. Can you do that for me? Marlene, we need your help." The blonde girl swallowed, her blue eyes darting towards her friend, still wailing in the chair, before nodding. Sirius gave a sigh of relief before rushing back to the table, where Remus was casting rudimentary healing spells.

Marlene knelt down beside Emmeline, prying the woman's hands from her face so she could look her friend in the eyes.

"Em," she whispered, trying hard not send Emmeline into a worse emotional state from which she might not be able to return. "Em, it's very important that you listen to me right now. Can you hear me?" The tears running down Emmeline's face had washed the blood off her cheeks in small rivulets. The girl nodded, gulping air and trying to slow her sobs.

"Good. Now, you have to tell me, are you hurt anywhere? Anywhere at all?" Emmeline shook her head and Marlene tried not to notice the drops off blood that flew from her hair at the movement.

"I – I wasn't near," the black haired girl whispered, her voice barely audible above the rush of sound in the kitchen. Marlene was vaguely aware of people rushing about behind her, of raised voices and shouted commands, and people entering and exiting the room in a blur of motion, but she ignored all this, focusing all of her attention on Emmeline.

"Em, we _need_ to know. What happened? What happened to Moody?" Marlene could see that the question immediately made the girl want to start sobbing again, but she bravely bit back the tears.

"We – we were on duty. We did t-the rounds near the Ministry and o-on Diagon Alley. Then Benjy said . . . he said we needed to check on the Derrywights."

"The Derrywights?" Marlene asked, puzzled. The Derrywights had been the family the Order had been commissioned to guard at the beginning of last year against a threat from Death Eaters. But after a month of guard duty, and with no more threats received, Albus declared that the family were no longer in danger and the guard was called off, with a few security spells put into place for good measure. The Derrywights had regularly reported back to the Order that they hadn't been bothered since. Emmeline nodded at the question.

"Benjy – Benjy said that someone had told him the Derrywights hadn't been in contact for a few weeks. He said he was worried. He said he – he wanted to check it out, just in case. Moody agreed it was a good idea. But w-when we got there . . ." Marlene could sense Emmeline retreating inside herself.

"Please, Em. I know it's difficult but we _have_ to know what happened. What did you find in the house?" The girl looked at Marlene but there was something different about her eyes, they had changed. What Emmeline has seen had _changed_ her completely.

"They were all dead. The children . . . on the floor . . . _dead._ They – they'd been there for _days_. J-just lying there. It – it was a _trap._" Emmeline began to sob again, a grief that wracked her body.

"What kind of trap? Were there Death Eaters?"

"F-five! They grabbed us. We – we didn't have time to react. They held us and three of them . . . they started to – to interrogate Moody. They kept asking over and _over. _They wouldn't _stop._ Moody didn't know. He didn't know! But they kept on asking and I – I knew that me and Benjy would be next."

"What were they asking about, Em? What was so important?"

"_The Prophecy!_ He – he kept asking Moody '_what does the Prophecy say? Tell us the Prophecy?'_ But Moody didn't know. None of us knew. We've never heard of any Prophecy. When – when Moody didn't answer, they . . . they _poked out his eye!"_ Emmeline let out a thin wail and buried her face into her hands again, obviously trying to dispel the image of the Death Eater prying out Moody's eye. Marlene stroked the girl's hair and whispered comfort.

"Then what happened, Em? Please tell me? Tell me and then I'll give you a sleeping potion."

"The Head Death Eater, he got real angry after they took his eye and Moody still wouldn't talk. W-we knew it wasn't long before he was going to k-kill Moody. He raised his wand and we knew . . . I couldn't _do_ anything! But Benjy . . . he – he somehow got away and he jumped on the Death Eater . . ." Emmeline's voice faded and Marlene knew that it wouldn't be long before the girl stopped speaking completely.

"What? What happened?" Emmeline suddenly started speaking in a rush, as if she were trying to get the words out as fast as possible so she wouldn't have to imagine the image in her head any more.

"The spell went wrong. There was an explosion. The Death Eaters were running. I – I couldn't _see_ anything but Moody. He was on the ground and he was bleeding. His – his leg was _gone!_ I didn't think! I just grabbed him and apparated. I – I didn't think!" Suddenly a thought occurred to Marlene, one that filled her stomach with a painful dread.

"Emmeline, where's Benjy? Where did Benjy go?" Emmeline blinked blankly at Marlene as if she hadn't heard and then looked down at her hands. Marlene thought she was gazing at the engagement ring on the girl's finger, the one Benjy had given her two months ago. But then she realised; Emmeline was staring at the scarlet blood soaked into her skin . . .

* * *

><p>Albus arrived and Moody was apparated to St. Mungo's after they had managed to staunch the bleeding. Marlene watched this whilst cradling Emmeline in her arms, after giving the girl a sleeping potion. She saw all her friends pass her by, busy at their allocated tasks, their faces pale, their eyes filled with a terror none of them had experienced before. Albus stopped to talk to Marlene and in muted whispers she told him the events Emmeline had described. A group of members were dispatched to the Derrywight's house.<p>

Finally Fabian took Emmeline from Marlene's arms and carried her up the stairs to a bed, but despite his urging, Marlene didn't follow him. She stayed in her chair staring out at the kitchen, at the blood soaked table and the puddles on the floor, wondering who would have to clean it up. There was the smell of burnt food, melted candles and a sickly sweet odour in the room, but Marlene ignored it.

She thought of Benjy. They had been in the same year in Ravenclaw at Hogwarts and had become best friends. In fact, it had been Benjy who had helped persuade her to join the Order. In her eyes he had always been the boy with the cheeky grin on his face and the spare stick of gum in his pocket that he always saved for her. She remembered his laugh when he told her he was going to propose to Emmeline and Marlene had said he would have to start saving _two_ sticks of gum from every packet or Em would start getting jealous.

At some time after midnight, Marlene was pulled from her thoughts by a hand on her shoulder.

"Have you been sat here the whole time?" Sirius asked, watching as she wiped her eyes blearily and rubbed the knots from her shoulders.

"I've been waiting for the news. Did you just get back?"

"Yeah," Sirius muttered, his face drawn into an expressionless stare, dark circles under his eyes. He had been one of those sent to survey the scene and Marlene could tell just by looking at him that it wasn't good news.

"What was it like?" she asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

"Looked like a small bomb had gone off. We found the bodies of the Derrywights. Found half a Deatheater too." Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "The place was a mess. Like something out of a horror story."

"And Benjy?" Marlene gulped. Sirius shook his head, anguish making his cheeks sag.

"Marlene, we found . . . bits and pieces . . . just bits and pieces." She didn't realise she was crying until she heard the tears patter onto her skirt. She didn't make a sound though, nor did she _feel _anything. The whole night had made her numb, had sapped every emotion out of her so that she couldn't even grieve for her best friend. It was just too much . . . _too much._

"Sirius," she said, reaching out to him, watching him crumble too, but he brushed her hand aside and swept out of the kitchen without a glance, an unreachable island of grief.

* * *

><p><em>February 1981<em>

"How're your OWLs going, Michelle?" she asked, dumping herself down on the sofa next to her sister. Michelle shrugged her shoulders, inspecting her perfectly lacquered nails.

"Boring, of course. I like Potions though. Dan Thompson is my partner." Marlene laughed and gave a sister a gentle punch in the arm.

"Boys, eh? I should have guessed as much. I was just the same when I was in fourth year." Despite the large gap in their ages, Marlene was close with her sister. She had always been the one around to teach Michelle the best ways to charm her hair or fix her makeup. She had even let her sister read her _Witch Weekly_ magazine when Marlene had still read things like that. Now knowing the latest trends in Wizarding fashion or the best infatuation charm to use didn't really seem that important.

"He's got these _amazing_ green eyes. _And_ he plays Chaser on the team." Michelle said, flicking her blonde hair over her shoulder. "I just wish this latest Death Eater scare would pass so we can go back to school. Lucy said he was going to ask me out right before school closed. Stupid You-Know-Who and his bloody Death Eaters." Marlene forced herself to laugh, trying not to think of Benjy.

"Those Death Eaters! So inconsiderate," she joked with a false smile. Her sister didn't know that Marlene was a memeber of the Order of the Phoenix, and she wasn't about to give it away by seeming overly touchy about Death Eaters and You-Know-Who. For all Michelle knew, Marlene worked part-time in an obscure Potion's Supply shop in a dusty corner of London, whilst waiting to be accepted into the Auror department of the Ministry.

"Michelle! Bed!" a voice called from the adjoining room.

"In a minute, mum," the girl answered, scowling and rolling her eyes at Marlene in a way that simply said '_typical!_'.

"Now please, Young Lady. I want to have a word with your sister," Mrs. McKinnon said, appearing in the living room. Michelle groaned and stomped flamboyantly out of the room, mumbling: "what's the point of having no school if I can't go to bed late". Marlene laughed, remembering the days when she would have done just the same.

"You're going to have a real handful when she starts bringing boys home," Marlene chuckled.

"If she's anything like you were," Mrs. McKinnon muttered, taking a seat beside her daughter. "It was nice of you to come to dinner tonight. We don't get to see enough of you these days."

"Oh you know, the Order's always keeping me busy. Things have certainly upped since . . . . the attack."

"How're you holding up?" her mother asked, placing a comforting hand over Marlene's.

"I'm doing ok," she sighed. "It's been hard but I worry more for Emmeline. I've never seen someone so . . . empty. She's taken a break and gone back home. I don't know when she'll come back to Headquarters but I visit her now and then."

"Don't you think maybe the attack was sign? Maybe you should think about packing it in. Your father's worried about you," Mrs. McKinnon said, looking at her daughter with an imploring expression. Marlene sighed. Every time she came to visit her parents, her mother begged her to stay. But it had been her father who had once encouraged her to join the Order. He was an influential member of the Ministry but he knew that, because of his power and his Pure-Blood status, he was closely watched by allies of the Dark Lord and therefore couldn't directly join the Order. Instead he had sent his daughter in his place, confident that she could relay any information or advice he needed to pass on to the Order.

"_The McKinnons have always been a powerful Wizarding family, Marl. In the past we have been feared and honoured. Make sure you use that power for the right reasons, for the right _people_," _he had said the day she left to meet Albus and join the Order. But if her father was beginning to get worried then that was a bad sign.

"Maybe you could just move back home. You could still work for the Order, but I'd feel so much safer if you came back here each night," Mrs. McKinnon said when it was clear Marlene was going to ignore her last comment.

"I can't do that?" she sighed.

"Why not? It's only a simple matter of apparating home each night." Marlene tried to think of a good excuse. She didn't want to tell her mother that she didn't want to move back to her parents' house because it was no longer _her_ home. The Order's Headquarters had become her home the second she stepped foot in it, and its member's had become a second family to her. She wasn't willing to give that up.

"They need me there on hand, just in case there's an emergency," she said, telling herself that it wasn't really a lie. Her mother opened her mouth to argue but there was a sudden click at the door. Immediately Marlene's heart leapt into her mouth, forgetting completely that she wasn't at the Headquarters anymore. Her nerves were instantly settled when she heard the deep voice of her father shout "I'm home!".

Where Mrs. McKinnon was blonde and fair skinned, her husband was quite the opposite. He was a tall man, with dark hair, tanned skin and a serious expression formed from years of dealing with the worst magical offences the Ministry came across.

"Ah, Marl!" he said, spotting his daughter as he set down his suitcase and loosened his tie. "Sorry I couldn't be here for dinner. It's hectic at the Ministry these days. We had another report of Muggles being terrorised by men in black robes and silver masks. I'm sure one of your friends is probably scouting the area now."

"There's never any rest for the Order," Marlene sighed, briefly hugging her father.

"How's Alastor Moody doing? I heard he got out of Mungo's last week."

"He's doing surprisingly well. Of course his leg is gone forever but he stuck a wooden peg on it and seems happy with that, despite the Healers saying they can mock up something better. And as for his eye! Well he found a glass one at Borgin and Burkes a few years back and has taken to wearing that. He claims it lets him see through walls and magical barriers! I'm not convinced just yet. The Prewetts have started calling him "Mad-Eye!" Her father gave a chuckle.

"It's good to see he's back to his normal self, but tell me, have you heard anything from Caradoc Dearborn yet? I've had his family in at the Ministry again today, demanding that I have my best people looking for him. I couldn't exactly tell them that Caradoc _is_ one of our best people." Marlene tried not to let the stab of fear settle in her chest when her father brought up the topic. No one in the Order had been able to forget that Caradoc was missing.

"Elphias and Dedalus were searching his house yesterday to see if he's been there lately. Dorcas has put the word out at St. Mungo's and most of the pubs around Diagon Alley to see if he turns up there. We sent Mundungus out to speak with his _contacts_ too, to see if any of them have spotted him. Now we'll just have to wait and see. Caradoc's a lone spirit and he's always been able to look after himself. I'm sure he'll turn up, severely hungover and without a single Knut in his pocket and we'll all have worried for nothing," Marlene said, more to reassure herself than her father. She tried not to picture Caradoc, a broad shouldered, bear of a man, who had always been a rock to depend upon within the Order, in the hands of Death Eaters.

* * *

><p>By the time Marlene apparated back to Headquarters, she was ready to fall straight into her bed. As much as she loved seeing her parents and sister and eating her mother's food, she could never wait to get back to her <em>real<em> home, the Order. But as she opened the front door and kicked off her shoes something felt wrong. There weren't the usual sounds of chatting and laughter that normally greeted her as she entered; instead there was an eerie silence.

"Hello!" she called, walking down the hallway and peering into one of the recreation rooms to see if she would meet the Prewetts there playing pool, or see Remus reading a book. There was no one. She was turning around to have a look in another room when she spotted Sirius in the hallway staring at her, a mixture of relief and pain on his face. Once glance at his expression and Marlene felt her uneasiness increase tenfold. "What's going on, Sirius?" she asked. At first he looked as if he wanted to rush over to her and embrace her but instead he turned.

"You better come with me," he muttered, motioning for her to follow. He led her to a room rarely used by the Order, a plain space, normally left empty or used to store the odd object now and again. Now there were five members crammed into the room, along with a man tied to a chair, a hood over his face. He sat slumped as if he had been stunned or knocked unconscious.

"What the hell?" she muttered as she entered and spotted the man. "Who's that?"

"We've got some bad news," Frank said, nervously glancing towards the tied man. "We're just not sure whether to believe it or not." Marlene sighed exasperatedly.

"Just tell me what happened."

"Well this afternoon Mundungus came back, claiming he'd managed to weasel out some information from a barkeeper in Knockturn alley. You tell her what he said Dung," Sturgis ordered, poking the scrawny man in the arm.

"It's like this," Mundungus began, sniffing and drawing himself up when he realised he was the centre of attention. "I wen' in, all casual like, askin' if 'e'd seen ol' Caradoc an' the man gets a real funny look. 'E don' wan' ter talk to me, yer see, bu' I keep on at 'im an' 'e says some in'erestin' stuff. 'E said 'e 'ad a man in the other day, claimin' 'e was a Death Ea'er. Now down Knockturn you get lotsa folk claimin' they're Death Ea'ers just to get a bit 'o rep but most are just shittin' yer. See, the _real_ Death Ea'ers are smarter than tha'. Or so I though'. The barkeep, 'e says this Death Ea'er was goin' on and on abou' some man 'e'd 'elped ter pick up. Apparen'ly 'e kep' mentioning 'ow big the man was, 'like a bear' this Death Ea'er says. Now immedia'ly I fink of ol' Caradoc. So I get nosey and it turns out the barkeep 'as a name an' address. 'E di'n' wanna tell me mind, but I can be quite persuasive when I wanna be." Mundungus looked around as if he expected a round of applause for his detective work.

"Anyway, Mundungus gave us the address and we decided it was worth checking out," Edgar began. "Sturgis, Frank, Sirius and I went to the house, one of these flea holes near Knockturn, and the man happened to be at home. By the time we found _that_ out our only choice was to bring him in or let him run off, giving our description to every Death Eater around."

"So you brought him _here_!" Marlene cried, incredulously. "Right to Headquarters!"

"We put a hood over his face," Sirius pouted.

"And? Have you questioned him?"

"Yes, but I don't think you're going to want to hear this," Edgar said, glancing down at the floor.

"Before we say anything, I want you to know that we can't trust that the man's telling the truth or not," Sirius said, placing a hand on her arm. Marlene welcomed the comfort, but dreaded what news she was about to hear. "I mean we all thought Bellatrix LeStrange was bad until we brought _this _guy in. He's not just got a few screws loose, he's missing part of the mechanism. I think You-Know-Who's getting desperate."

"Just tell me what he had to say," she snapped, becoming impatient and wanting to get the worst over with.

"We had to tickle him a bit but finally we got some answers," Frank began and Marlene wondered what kind of _tickling_ they'd had to use to get the man to open up. "He managed to describe Caradoc to a 'T'. He said he was ordered to go along with a few other Death Eaters to Caradoc's house and question him."

"Question him? Question him on _what_?"

"This is the thing. It's the attack at the Derrywights' house all over again. The man didn't know what information they were supposed to find out. He said only one of his higher up associates going along knew. But when they got there, this associate just kept asking Caradoc the same question over and over, the same one that those bastards kept asking Moody: '_What does the Prophecy say?'_." Marlene swore and kicked the wall.

"What the hell is this damned Prophecy? What does this mean? Did they torture Caradoc like they did Moody?" Marlene realised she was allowing herself to get angry to stop herself from becoming filled with the pain of losing another member, another family member. Although her friends hadn't yet confirmed that the Death Eaters had killed Caradoc, she knew deep down that it was most likely they had. The silence in the room confirmed her question.

"So Caradoc is dead? They got him too. Where is he? We have to give his body back to his family." Marlene could feel the grief in the air, made only worse by her questions, but they still needed to be asked.

"This bastard said that he was told to leave after . . . He doesn't know what happened to the body," Sturgis said, giving the chair an angry kick to hide the fact that his voice was cracking. Marlene leant against the wall, burying her face in her hands and trying to order her thoughts.

"What are we going to tell his family? And what are we going to do with this man? He's seen your faces! He's been in _Headquarters_, for Merlin's sake! We can't just hand him over to the Ministry. Even if he gets sent to Azkaban, that won't stop him from talking to any of you-Know-Who's cronies. Shit, what have we gotten ourselves into?"

"Marlene," Sirius said, pulling her hands from her face so she could look up at him. "That's not all." Marlene gazed at his troubled expression and knew there was worse to come. She sighed and felt like running away, up to the safety of her bed, but she knew she would have to find out eventually.

"Tell me," she whispered.

"They've got Dorcas."

"What?" Marlene's brain couldn't keep up with the words. She could feel herself pulling away, trying desperately to find another meaning to that sentence other than the one that sprang immediately to mind.

"When we questioned the Death Eater, he said that he'd heard from an associate that they'd taken in _another_ Order member, a girl. Only, because they didn't get any results from Moody and Caradoc, they took her directly to You-Know-Who. The bastard seemed to find that extremely funny." Edgar scowled as he spoke. They all knew that if an Order member really had been taken to the Dark Lord himself, then there wasn't a chance they'd be seeing her again.

"As soon as we heard we checked to see where all the girls were," Sirius said. "Lily is with James and Harry in Godric's Hollow, Alice is upstairs with Neville and we sent Fabian and Gideon to check on Emmeline. They came back saying she was still with her parents at their house. That just left you and Dorcas. Until you walked through the door, I – I thought it was you they'd taken," Sirius muttered, finally wrapping her in a hug, the relief evident on his face.

"Not Dorcas!" Marlene gasped, thinking of the most sweet and innocent person she knew. "She's never done anything to hurt another person. She doesn't deserve this. We _have_ to do something."

"We still don't know if the man was trying to wind us up. He could have been lying to try and make us do something stupid." There was a hint of desperation in Sturgis' voice as he said this. Marlene looked at the men in her room, people she'd come to love, to consider brothers and uncles and, in Sirius' case, something indescribably wonderful, but right now they all looked like lost little boys, trying to cope with something none of them had a complete understanding of. She decided that she'd have to take charge.

"Has anyone been to Dorcas' house?" she demanded, pulling away from Sirius and putting on a tone of authority, dispelling thoughts of Caradoc's suffering and the image of Dorcas cowering at You-Know-Who's feet.

"Remus and Peter offered to go. Remus sent a _patronus_ not long ago telling us that there was no sign of her but it didn't look like there had been a struggle. He said they were going to stick around to see if she comes back and in the meantime they're going to search the house to see if they can find any evidence of the last place she was going," Frank said.

"When did anyone last see her?"

"The last I saw of her was yesterday morning. She was heading out to ask a few of Caradoc's friends if they'd seen him recently." There was a motion of heads as everyone agreed with Edgar that that too was the last time they had seen her.

"Has anyone contacted her parents or friends?" Marlene demanded. "She might just be visiting someone."

"Without telling us first?" Edgar queried. "I don't think she'd do that. But we can send Fabian and Gideon to check it out."

"Fine, do that. And has someone spoken to Albus yet? He needs to see this Death Eater for himself. Perhaps he can use _legilimens _on him to find out what's really going on."

"I spoke through the floo with him briefly," Sturgis muttered rather sulkily. "He said we could do nothing about Dorcas, because we don't know where You-Know-Who is hiding. He said he would come as soon as possible. I asked him about this Prophecy. He said he knew nothing of it. I think he's hiding stuff from us."

"Just someone get him here as soon as possible. If he says he doesn't know about this goddamn prophecy then we're just going to have to take his word for it," Marlene snapped, trying to think of any other detail they'd missed. She glanced up to notice that no one had moved and instead they were all standing around, glancing at each other nervously.

"What _haven't_ you told me yet?" she demanded, watching them shuffle their feet.

"By the end of the questioning, the man started to get really crazy," Frank began hesitantly. "He started cackling and yelling and spouting off all kinds of nonsense. But . . . there was one thing he said . . . he kept repeating it . . . we didn't know what to make of it."

"Just tell me!"

"He says there's a mole. A mole in the Order." Marlene blinked. She thought her world couldn't be destroyed any further that day until the words came out of Frank's mouth.

"A mole," she whispered, barley able to grasp what was being said. She trusted _everyone_ in the Order, _loved_ them. The thought that one of them would willingly betray her was beyond her comprehension. "No!" she almost yelled. "No. You said it yourself: he was going crazy. He was lying. He's just trying to mess with us, to split us up from the inside. I won't believe it."

"Think about it, Marlene," Sirius said, expression grave. "How did they know where to find Dorcas or Caradoc? How did they know that Benjy, Moody and Emmeline would go to check on the Derrywights on that specific night? How did they know to be there at the right place and the right time? Because someone who _knew_ told them, that's why. Someone on the _inside_."

"I said: 'no' Sirius. None of us would _do_ that. How could you even _think_ it?" she growled, pushing him away. "Get Gideon and Fabian out to Dorcas' friends and family. And someone get Albus here now! Edgar, Sturgis, see if you can _tickle_ a little more out of this bastard. He might be able to tell us where You-Know-Who's hiding." Marlene never thought that she would ever condone the use of torture, let alone order someone to actually do it, but right now she valued Dorcas' life over that of a measly Death Eater's.

"What are_ you_ going to do?" Sirius asked as she went to leave the room.

"I'm going to figure out what we are going to do with this Bastard once we've finished with him," she snarled before leaving the room. It was only once she was outside in the corridor that she stopped to lean against a wall and take a deep breath. Without realising, she found herself sliding down the wall and landing in a puddle on the floor, her breathing sharp and erratic, bordering on a panic attack. _Benjy. Caradoc. Dorcas. Who was next? Was it her, Sirius, Lily, Fabian, Peter, Sturgis?_ There was no way to tell who would be gone next; it could be any of them. What if there really was a mole? What if they'd been betrayed all along and no one had realised it. Suddenly Marlene felt like there was a noose tightening around her neck and that it was only a matter of time until it cut off all breath whatsoever.

* * *

><p>The next morning the Death Eater was found dead in his makeshift cell. All the resident member's of the Headquarters had been there that night: Marlene, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Gideon, Fabian, Sturgis, Moody, Mundungus and Elphias. No one would admit to killing him, although many agreed it was a relief someone had because they would have had to do <em>something<em> with the man once they had finished questioning him, and letting him go or sending him to Azkaban were out of the question. A few even wondered if the man had somehow managed to kill himself.

"So you don't think there's a mole, do you?" Sirius had hissed when he'd passed Marlene in the corridor. "Well who do you think killed the bastard Death Eater to stop him from telling us who really _is_ the backstabber?" Marlene had shaken him off appalled, but his words still rang in her head. Everyone now looked at each other suspiciously, watched each other's movements and held their tongues when before they would have spoken freely. There was a tension in the Headquarters that couldn't simply be shaken off or ignored. It seemed Marlene's paradise and home was crumbling down around her.

A few days later Dorcas' body turned up in the Atrium of the Ministry of Magic. She lay there in front of the golden fountain, silvery-blonde hair splayed about her body. On her chest had been carved the crude letters: _TELL US._ It was a warning to the Order and each Member knew it: _tell us or you'll die like Dorcas._

* * *

><p><em>June 1981<em>

Marlene retched into the sink, her hands deathly pale as she clenched the kitchen countertop. Shakily she wiped her mouth, turning to find Sirius staring at her with dark, black eyes.

"I'm ok," she muttered, drawing herself up, wrapping herself once again in the protective personality of the person she had been forced to become. She pushed her emotions down, deep inside, to a place where they couldn't affect her any more. Sometimes she could feel it, like slick oil churning in her stomach, smothering everything that she once was, but she ignored it.

She followed Sirius back into the living room of the once homely house. It was obvious there had been a duel here; windows and photo frames were cracked and smashed, pieces of porcelain and trinkets scattered across the floor, most fabric in the room ripped to shreds, not to mention the large holes punched into the walls and the scorch marks burned into the carpet. Marlene looked down at the bodies.

"I'll go," she had offered with a weary sigh, when they had first been warned of what they would find. Everyone had shrunk back at the news, turning further in on themselves, glancing at each other warily. No one had wanted to go, no one wanted to see the damage, see their friends left mutilated and charred, but Marlene had toughened over the past months, taking a leading role where others had stepped back, no longer able to face the truth. Where once James, Remus or Dedalus would have moved forward to take the grisly task, they now looked to others, terror shining in their eyes. Yet Marlene had found herself able to take on the job, coping by locking her emotions away and hardening her expression.

The news hadn't been a surprise; not after the recent spate in Death Eater attacks. Most of the members were having to go out at least once or twice a week to survey scenes where Muggle's or Muggle-borns had been attacked and brutally murdered. But the latest attack had been a cruel stab at the heart of Order, seeing as only the week before they had attended the Prewetts' funeral.

Marlene had stood next to Moody as she watched the twin coffins lowered into the ground. To her left, Molly Weasley had wailed with abandon, her heavy abdomen swollen under her black robes of mourning, surrounded by her clan of fire-haired children. _Another child who will never know its uncles,_ Marlene had thought, watching Molly clutch her bump and sob onto her husband's shoulder. Fabian and Gideon had brought Molly and her family to several Sunday dinners back before Benjy had been the first to go. The children had eaten the table bare and Molly had smiled and laughed and her pride in her brothers had been so evident in the shining of her eyes. Now there were only tears.

"They fought like heroes," Moody had muttered as the first rains of earth had pattered down onto the coffins. "Like bloody heroes," he had growled proudly, his glass eye rolling around in its socket feverishly. Unlike the latest attack, no one had expected the deaths of Fabian and Gideon. After Dorcas' body had been found, none of the Order were attacked for several months. Things almost started to go back to normal, if it weren't for the fact that everyone suspected everyone else of being a mole.

Former best friends watched each other warily as they passed each other in the hallways, chests were opened to be found to have been rifled through whilst their owner was gone by someone on the hunt for evidence of the mole, Sunday dinners no longer occurred, those Members who had homes to go back to rarely lingered at the Headquarters for longer than necessary. The building, which had once rung with laughter and chatter, now echoed silence and muted, suspicious whispers. Marlene was sure that they would be using _Legilimens_ on each other to try and find out, if they didn't already know that they had all been trained too well in Occlumency.

But despite knowing there was a mole within their midst, they could not simply disband the Order and let innocent Muggles and Muggle-borns fall victim to the Dark Lord's whims. Instead they continued their work, information shared cautiously and only when necessary. They all lived in a suspended state of confusion and secrecy, not knowing enough about the events going on, not knowing if other members had been treated to more information, not knowing if they were the latest suspect, if someone might suddenly snap and stab them in the back while they were sleeping. It was a torturous way to live yet Marlene refused to abandon the Order. _Someone _had to do the job; _someone_ had to protect innocent lives.

"Oh Edgar," Marlene murmured, looking down at her old friend. He was barely recognisable now, and Marlene knew he too had fallen victim to what members were now referring to as the _Questioning_. They already knew Fabian and Gideon had been treated to the same thing. Moody had gone to fetch the two brothers for guard duty at their house and had walked in to find Death Eater's interrogating them. A duel had ensued, one that only Moody and a pair of Death Eaters had escaped from alive.

"There were five of the big bastards, one of them was Dolohov," Moody had said when he had broken the news of the Prewetts' deaths. "Just before I ran in, I heard him asking that same bloody question: '_What does the Prophecy say?'_"

"This was the work of the mole," Sirius growled, smoothing back the hair of Edgar's daughter Maizy as she lay on the floor, the little girl's skin pale and blue under her dark locks. "I'll kill him."

"How do you know?" Marlene asked.

"It's always the bloody mole. How did the Death Eaters know where Edgar lived, unless someone told them from the inside? How did they know where to find the Prewetts?"

"They've never gone after a member's family before," she muttered, surveying the Bones' house to try and determine what exactly had occurred here. "You-Know-Who is stepping it up, if he's using our families against us now." She stepped over Edgar and walked to the corner of the room where Lila Bones was curled, her body wrapped protectively around her son Edward. Unfortunately it hadn't been protection enough.

"Who'll be next, Marl? The Prewetts and the Boneses, killed within weeks of each other. How long until they get a hold of Lily, James and Harry, or the Longbottoms, or you, or me? Something has to stop. We're not _safe!"_

"So what should we do?" Marlene snapped. "Should we all quit and let the Death Eaters run rampant? I won't let that happen. This war is _bigger_ than any of us. It is more important than our lives, Sirius."

"I know that! But we're being picked off one by one. I barely know what's going on half the time. All we do now is carry out orders. 'Go to this address, capture this man, clean up this murder scene . . .' We're not told whose body we're clearing up, or whose house we're raiding. We can't keep working blind."

"It's the only way, Sirius." The black haired man whipped round, opening his arms to indicate the mess and bodies around them.

"Look at this!" he cried. "Look at what's become of Edgar! Soon this will be us. We'll be lying on the floor like that and no one will give a damn. And there'll be someone back at Headquarters laughing at us, laughing because we thought they were our _friend_."

"Sirius, you have to stop with the paranoia," Marlene said. "It's not You-Know-Who destroying the Order, it's us. We're doing it to _ourselves._"

"We can't trust _anyone._"

"Can you trust me?" Marlene blurted. It was a thought that had been going around her head for a while now, a question whose answer she was afraid of hearing. Sirius looked at her as they stood in the mess of the living room, blinking in surprise. With a sigh he sat heavily on the tattered sofa.

"Do you trust _me_?" he countered. Marlene's lips pressed into a thin line and a silence filled the room, a silence which answered the question perfectly. Sirius gave a bitter laugh and shook his head.

"I think it's Remus," he whispered, rubbing his temples with his fingers.

"Remus?" she queried, sitting down next to him. The thought seemed absurd to her, yet accusing any other member felt just as strange. "He's your friend."

"I thought you were all my _friends_," Sirius spat. "Remus . . . He's too quiet."

"We're all quiet."

"Sometimes I think he's looking at me . . . _watching_ me."

"You're thinking up excuses."

"It has to be someone, God damn it!" Sirius roared. "James won't listen to me. But I _know_. It's Remus. I'm sure."

"Or Sturgis, or Dedalus, or Frank, or Moody, or Mundungus!" Marlene suddenly realised she was shouting. "One after the other after the other! Over and over! I can see you looking at everyone, wondering if it's them. I can't take it anymore." Her voice fell to a whisper. "It's not Remus." Sirius looked at her.

"Well I guess we'll find out sooner or later, when they have us tied to a chair, asking the same question again and again."

When they got back to Headquarters, Remus was sitting in the kitchen. When they spotted him Marlene felt Sirius' whole body stiffen beside her. She looked to Remus and back to Sirius again, as the two exchanged a cool glare. Who could she really trust?

* * *

><p><em>July 1981<em>

Marlene had a dilemma. Her mother had asked her to come to dinner that night, to celebrate Michelle coming back from Hogwarts for the summer. Marlene couldn't wait to see her sister and eat her mother's food and listen to her father talk about boring Ministry business, anything that would indicate Marlene still had a normal life somewhere. But she couldn't leave the Headquarters without first letting someone know where she was, just in case she needed to be contacted in an emergency. The problem was she didn't know who she could trust with the information. She didn't want to risk giving the details to the wrong person and wind up being attacked by Death Eaters half way through dinner. Most of all she didn't want to put her family in danger, not after what had happened to the Boneses. She had spent long hours deliberating about who to tell. Who could she _really_ trust?

Finally she had come to a decision. She went to the member she could never imagine having the guts to turn cloak, betray the Order or even be able to cower before the Dark Lord's feet. Besides, he had always been eager to please, and even if he wasn't the bravest of members, he kept his secrets well and always did his duty.

She went to Peter Pettigrew.

She found him in one of the recreation rooms, reading a book. He gave a startled squeak when she called his name unexpectedly. They had never had the best of relationships, but nevertheless, Marlene had always considered him part of the family she had once had in the Order.

"Peter? I'm going out this evening."

"I see," he muttered, staring at her quizzically. "And you're telling me because . . . ?"

"Someone needs to know where I am, just in case." Peter's face split into a grin.

"And you want to tell me?"

"Yes . . . I trust you." Peter grasped her hand in his stubby fingers and looked at her earnestly with his tiny eyes.

"You've made a wise choice, Marlene. You never know who the mole is these days. But I won't tell a soul. Your secret's safe with me, I promise." Marlene couldn't help but let out a relieved sigh.

"Thank you, Peter." She looked round quickly to make sure no one was nearby, listening in on their conversation. "I'll be at my parents' house." She told him the address and he nodded seriously.

"No one shall ever hear it from me, I swear," he said, patting her hand once again.

"Thank you," she repeated and turned to leave.

"Oh, Marlene!" Peter called just before she left the room. He smiled widely as she turned. "Have fun tonight."

* * *

><p>A few hours later Sirius caught her in the Sleeping Quarters, pulling on her shoes. He froze halfway into the room, staring at her strangely.<p>

"Are you going somewhere?" Marlene looked at Sirius, inwardly cursing, before slowly nodding and crouching to tie her laces. She hadn't wanted Sirius to know she was going out. Ever since Caradoc and Dorcas and the captured Death Eater, their relationship had been strained to breaking point. When once they would have sat together for hours, talking and joking, now they barely spoke. Before it all began, Sirius would embrace her and kiss her without even thinking about it. Now they came together only briefly and there was only silence between them afterwards.

"Where are you going?" The words sent ice shivering through Marlene's veins. They stared at each other, the time stretching out until the quiet became unbearable. It was a test. Marlene knew it and Sirius knew it. A test they had been putting off for a long time. She sighed, wondering if she was ready to give up the last piece of Sirius she had left. Why did it have to come to this? Why did she have to choose?

"Where are you going?" he repeated, something like desperation in his eyes. Marlene couldn't bear to look at him anymore. Instead she just shook her head, letting her blonde hair fall in front of her eyes to hide the grief, bending to pick up her bag.

"Marlene, please?" She had never heard him sound so vulnerable before.

"Don't do this, Sirius. You don't have to _do_ this."

"You can _trust_ me. I can't keep you safe if I don't know where you are." Marlene shook her head again, still refusing to look him in the eye. "I know our relationship isn't what it was but I . . . I still lo- . . . I still want to protect you. Please, just tell me where you're going." Marlene didn't think her heart could possibly break any further but looking at Sirius' expression made her chest ache. She wanted desperately to tell him. She wanted to take him with her, because she knew she felt safe by his side. But just because she _felt_ safe with him, didn't mean she _was._

"Goodbye, Sirius," she whispered, sweeping past him and down the stairs.

* * *

><p>Marlene took a deep breath as she stood outside her house, looking at the warm orange light spilling from the windows. She knew she had to train her expression into a cheerful one, she knew she had to create a facade, a disguise of happiness that her parents would believe. It was hard, especially when the expression on Sirius' face as she had left him remained seared into her thoughts. She told herself that her parents were inside the house, waiting to hug her and tell her they'd missed seeing her. She told herself her sister would be ready with the best gossip she'd picked up at Hogwarts and details of the latest boy she was infatuated with. She told herself dinner would be on the table, an array of her mother's best dishes. But still she couldn't make it feel like she was coming home. Her home was the Order. Her home was gone.<p>

"I'm home!" she called, stepping through the door with a cheerful grin plastered to her face.

The grin quickly dropped. The last pieces of her world crashed down around her feet. Then there was darkness.

* * *

><p>When she came to, the first thing she wanted to do was vomit. A searing pain burned from her mouth, through her chest, right down to her stomach. It was a black hole inside her, sucking everything she ever was away, sucking all life, happiness, all she ever lived for into oblivion. She looked at her parents, sprawled on the floor and screamed, a scream that turned halfway into an inhuman wail.<p>

"No, no, no, no, NO, NO!" She shrieked. She wanted score her fingernails down her face just to block out the sight before her, but her hands were tied behind her. She pulled and wrenched and snarled but all that did was tighten the rope around her wrists until it was slick with her blood.

"Surprise!" a voice hissed in her ear. It was only then that she really registered the Death Eaters standing around the room, draped in black cowls, evil looking wands in their hands.

"I'll kill you!" she screamed. "I'll kill you all." A rumble of laughter went up at her words.

"Show her, Travers," one of the Death Eaters cackled, nudging another. Travers disappeared out of the room and a whimper could be heard, one that didn't belong to Marlene. The Death Eater returned, pushing a girl in front of him. She was bound by the wrists, her blonde hair, normally so perfect, was tussled and mascara ran down her cheeks. There was nasty looking scratch running down her arm. With wide blue eyes, like that of a rabbit sat before headlights, Michelle looked at her sister.

"Michelle!" Marlene cried, feeling her hopelessness double tenfold.

"They killed them, Marl," her sister sobbed. "They didn't even give us a _chance_! They killed mum and dad!" Michelle's voice faded into wracking sobs.

"Shut her up!" One of the Death Eaters called, before leering at Marlene. "Now we're going to play a little _game_. It's called Question and Answer. Got it? We ask the questions and you give us the right answer, or your sister's not going to be looking so pretty by the morning."

Marlene shuddered. She knew what was coming. The same thing that had happened to her friends was about to happen to her and she could do nothing to stop it. A sense of inevitability rushed over her and she gave into it, letting her muscles relax. There was nothing she could do about it. She would just have to live through it and then, afterwards, hopefully there would be peace. She let the thought comfort her as she looked over at her distraught sister

Her beautiful sister, who had never done anything to hurt another person, who didn't understand what was going on or why the Death Eaters were there, who, despite everything, still had a glimmer of hope in her eyes. Michelle looked at Marlene pleadingly, as if she could solve this terrifying and monstrous puzzle, as if Marlene knew how to make them stop. But there was no hope in Marlene's eyes, nor tears, nor emotions. Only weariness.

"I'm sorry, Michelle," she whispered, just as the Death Eater began the chant the words she had been expecting all along.

"_What does the Prophecy say?"_

* * *

><p>The night stretched into one long, agonising blur. By the end, Marlene could only remember vague details: the sound of screaming, sometimes her own, sometimes her sister's, the smell of burning flesh, the taste of blood in her mouth, pleading, shrieks, laughter, the same voice over and over: 'What does the Prophecy say?', her response, always the same: 'I don't know. I told you I don't know!', her sister's blue eyes begging, at first for release, but by the time they were halfway through, they were imploring only for an end to the pain.<p>

Marlene told them everything she thought they wanted to hear. She betrayed the Order, she told them she would do anything if they stopped, she said she would bow down at the Dark Lord's feet. Finally, when every inch of Marlene's skin had been burned, hacked, pierced, scoured, cut, prised, and beaten, the Death Eaters stopped. Marlene didn't notice. She was beyond pain, beyond rational thought, beyond normal consciousness. Her sister had stopped screaming a long time ago. Marlene didn't know if Michelle was dead or alive. She hoped she was dead, so she wouldn't have to endure any more.

"It's no good. The bitch doesn't know a thing. Pettigrew's led us to the wrong member _again," _a voice said, floating from a long distance away, brushing gently against Marlene's consciousness. She vaguely registered the words and something in the back of her brain seemed to click. _It had been Peter all along!_ She felt like laughing. Laughing at her own stupidity, laughing because there was nothing to be done, she couldn't stop Pettigrew from harming any of the others. She was beyond caring.

"We won't get any more out of her. Might as well finish her off, Travers." Marlene opened her eyes blearily to watch greedily as the Death Eater swung his wand down in a perfect arc, a flash of green enveloping her.

* * *

><p>It is said that before you die your whole life flashes before your eyes . . .<p>

As time slowed down, Marlene watched her whole life flitter before her eyes in a series of ragged memories, like broken Snitches' wings. She saw all the events that had led up to this moment in time, the moment in which the wand moved in its perfect arc, so slowly it was almost beautiful. The flash of green light that seemed to expand, filling her whole vision until it was just her, the light and the thousands of memories, pouring all around her.

Marlene didn't notice the blaze of pain. She didn't notice the darkness that followed. She had found the right memory and she grasped it tight.

Like a still image, it hung before her eyes. There was the kitchen in the Headquarters, its red brick walls bathed in the warming glow of candle light. The smell of roast meats, butterbeer and melted candle wax filled the room. The table lay set, with large dishes of vegetables and sauces and accompaniments waiting to be tucked into. The sounds of laughter and chatter hung frozen in the air, bursting forth from people's mouths.

Marlene sat among her friends. Benjy was in the process of laughing, head tilted back, whilst Emmeline had her hand stretched in front of her, admiring the ring on her finger with a small secretive smile on her lips. Fabian and Gideon stood, juggling apples between them, the candlelight dancing in their coppery hair, whilst Dorcas was turned, mouth formed into a joking scold, hands on her hips, trying not to chuckle at their antics. Remus was bent over a baby Harry as Lily held her son out to him, whilst James watched on, sharing a joke with Caradoc, whose booming laughter could be seen spilling from his lips.

Edgar sat at one end of the table. He had brought his family. His wife chatted animatedly with Alice as Edward and Maizy Bones made faces to entertain the baby Neville. Hagrid attempted to pat Frank gently on the back in a congratulatory manner, his movement accidently sending Frank jerking forwards. Moody, Sturgis and Aberforth were hunched around a collection of salt and pepper pots and sauce bottles, each one representing a Wizard, as Moody re-enacted a great Auror battle animatedly, his hand hovering over a bottle of mustard, primed to move it forward in the next step of the imaginary fight. Dedalus and Elphias sat at the other end of the table, chuckling to one another as Mundungus attempted to sell Elphias a new hat, one that looked suspiciously like a hat they had chucked in among the evidence they had lifted whilst raiding the house of a Death Eater.

And there Marlene sat, in the middle of it all. Next to her Sirius had his arm around her waist and he was in the process of turning towards her, to kiss her, a contented smile on his lips.

Here was the perfect memory, frozen in time, and Marlene embraced it, living that one moment forever and ever . . . refusing to let go of her Paradise Lost.

* * *

><p><strong>A.N. <strong>This was written for the competition **Paradise** at the HPFC Forum.

I Harry-Potter-Wiki-ed the hell out of this story so I'm hoping it's mostly factually correct. I tried to give every member of the Order a little of the lime-light and include a few little details about each one, some only recognisable to those who are very familiar with the characters and some that almost anyone should get, so I hope you picked up on them. I am aware there is major mistake in the timeline of this story as I'm pretty sure Marlene McKinnon was the **first **to die out of all the Order members but seeing as part of the competition was to write it about Marlene, my story would have been cut considerably short if I'd stuck to that fact. I hope you don't mind this major alteration on my part.

You may also be wondering where the hell Dumbledore and McGonagall were in all of this. Well I figured that they must have been pretty busy running a school at this time and wouldn't have been around a lot at the Order Headquarters. It's also very obvious that in my story Dumbledore was lying about not knowing about the Prophecy but I think if he kept so many secrets from Harry, he was probably keeping lots of secrets from the Order too.

**A short note:** I mentioned a Poisoned Pyxis at the beginning. A **Pyxis** is a Classical Greek, circular shaped box that was used to store cosmetics, medicines or jewellery by Greek women, however in this case it contains rare magical poison. **Paradise Lost** is a poem written by the poet John Milton in the 17th-Century.

Finally, I hope you enjoyed reading this and if you like my style of writing then please check out my other stories.

Thanks for reading,

Anna


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